Advice for Children of Aging Parents: Strength for the Days Ahead
Someone once said, “When my dad was 69, he was superman. At 70, he was old. Two years later, he needed help.” Such experiences are common. Parents can quickly go from capable, independent people to people struggling with day-to-day tasks. These changes often happen at a surprising (and alarming) speed. The people you used to rely on might now rely on you. You need to prepare for this reality, sooner rather than later. In our next article, we will go into further depth about what to prepare for in caring for your parent. In this article, we’ll deal specifically with helping you come to terms with the emotional toll of your parents’ aging.
Preparing Yourself for Grief
Self-preparation may sound strange, but as exemplified in the opening quotation, the children are sometimes most surprised by their parents’ having grown old. To some extent, a grieving process follows. That process may be shorter or longer and may not include every “stage” of grief and loss, but you should be prepared to experience at least some of those stages.
Many of us have had strong parents – strong in personality, physique, or intellectual ability – and age can rob them of any or all of these strengths. Strong bodies become frail; charismatic personalities can become withdrawn; and intellectual ability can give way to a failing memory.
For the child, coming to grips with these realities is not easy. “Denial” is often the first stage. You want to believe that your parent who could fix anything, remember every detail, drive anywhere, and manage finances and households with seemingly no effort will have the ability to do so indefinitely. And when you discover that they are not as capable as they once were, you have to reckon with the truth of it.
Once you have accepted that your parents are not as capable as they used to be, you may find yourself depressed. The depression may be very simply due to the fact of watching your parents become slower or weaker. Or it may be a combination of that reality with the fact that you are now seeing yourself in the coming decades. Something like a midlife crisis occurs, no matter how old you actually are. Finitude and finality literally press down upon (or “de-press”) you.
For the sake of yourself and your parents, we encourage you to consider what the Bible says: “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.” A few chapters late, it says, “The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” (Proverbs 16:31 & 20:29 respectively). In other words, the Bible looks upon aging as God’s gift of longevity. If God has granted your parents long life, it is a gift. And should you reach a similar age, it will be the same.
As far as it concerns your parents, consider the time you still have together, and the life that your aging parents can still have. It may not be what they or you are used to, but it can still be full and rich. Consider also the opportunity you have to show love for the man or woman who spent so much caring for you. During your early years, whether you admitted it or not, you needed them; and now, whether they admit it or not, they need you.
Don’t deny the grieving process, and don’t rush it. Grief is natural, and grieving is healthy. But don’t let grief paralyze you either. If you find yourself struggling, we encourage you to find a confidant or to seek counseling. Despite the negative stigma, counseling can help equip you to deal with the grief. Pastors, churches, and LPCs will listen to you, advise you, and keep your information confidential. There are places to turn, and you do not have to face the grief alone.
Preparing Yourself for Guilt
Commonly accompanying grief is a feeling of guilt. As you deal with the reality of your parents’ aging, you may recall conversations that didn’t go or end well. Maybe you didn’t visit as often as you could have or failed to call like you said you would. Past guilt dredges up all our failures, all the ways in which we did not honor our father and our mother as we knew we should have.
Adult children who experience this type of guilt need to be able to discern between “regret” and “guilt.” On the one hand, “regret” is the common experience of finite beings. Robert Frost put poignantly and poetically, that when “two roads diverged in a yellow wood, [he was] sorry [he] could not travel both.” Regret is often the “road not taken.” For the adult child, this is the common response to missed holidays and birthdays. Often, such “misses” are unavoidable due to work, illness, and just the scheduling and pace of life. There is no guilt to carry here. And it is more helpful to be deliberate about future decisions, than regretful about past ones.
On the other hand, “guilt” is the recognition that you have done something wrong. Perhaps you had multiple yelling matches with your parent(s) or have treated them in demeaning ways. If you have never repented and apologized, then we encourage you to do so. Take the opportunity to rebuild or renew those relationships. Don’t let past sins direct future decisions. Guilt is a bad taskmaster, and guilt-driven decisions are usually bad ones.
Sometimes the guilt we feel isn’t due to former decisions, but to potential present ones. This is the guilt we feel in the moment for the conversations we have to have, the decisions that we may have to encourage our parents to make, such as decisions about their health or their housing. You might feel guilty for not being closer or better able to care for their parents. This kind of “guilt” is similar to “regret.” It is a burden you put on yourself that does not necessarily indicate any transgression on your part.
It’s true that you have a responsibility to honor and care for your parents, but not necessarily to be their primary caretakers. Not everyone is geographically, relationally, or financially in a position to help in every way necessary; and that is to say nothing of being medically able. Don’t feel guilty if your situation prevents you from being your parents’ primary caregiver. Perhaps you cannot be their primary giver of care, but you can still show you care.
In conclusion, we want the adult children of aging parents to be aware of the many and diverse ways that their parents’ aging can affect them. Grief and guilt are common experiences for the children of aging parents. The better prepared you are to handle the reality of your parents’ aging, the better prepared to help them get the kind of care they need. So, grieve, but not without hope. And do not try to shoulder your guilt. Trust in the One who has “borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4) and then attend to your parents with a clear conscience and a ready hand.
