Advice for Children of Aging Parents: Conversations and Conflict
One of the things that is unavoidable for the children of aging parents is uncomfortable conversations. In another article, we outlined some of the discomfort and common reactions an individual child might experience as they come to recognize their parents are experiencing difficulties resulting from aging. In this article, we will consider some discomforts that may arise in the course of having conversations with and about aging parents.
Conversations and Conflict with Family Members:
Few people are comfortable with conflict, and the last people with whom we desire conflict are our family members. But conflict in families is common, and the aging of our parents can be a catalyst for conflict with our siblings (and wider family) and with our parents.
Sibling conflict can come as a surprise. While you’ve likely had squabbles with your brothers and sisters, you expect consensus and support when it comes to caring for your aging parents. But not every sibling will agree with any particular plan or goal regarding a parent’s present or future care.
It may seem cliché or too obvious to mention, but it needs to be noted that sometimes money is a factor. It’s a common story that one or more siblings cannot or do not want to pay more than a certain amount for their parent’s future care. Sometimes, one or more will not want to spend down what they consider their rightful inheritance. Be aware that financial considerations may lead to friction between siblings.
Another common point of friction is the proximity or relational closeness of one sibling over others. The sibling geographically closest to the parent may shoulder the burden of care and feel taken for granted. Or a sibling who is closer relationally may be critical of decisions he doesn’t agree with, no matter how far removed he is from the day-to-day issues. And, of course, coinciding with all of this is that each sibling will go through the processes of grief and guilt at different times and at differing rates, leading to friction for those in other parts of the process.
There is no magic cure for sibling conflict during these times. Sibling relationships are complex, and this brief article doesn’t presume to have all the answers. However, we do believe that there are wiser paths that may curtail the intensity and duration of such conflict.
Secondly, we recommend that you do your best to facilitate discussions. While there is often a sister or brother who “takes the lead” by default, try to keep the conversations collaborative, so that each person feels like she is being heard and her opinions given proper consideration. Even if you are the “closest,” whether geographically or relationally, understand that your siblings will have perspectives that you may not have considered.
Thirdly, begin the discussions with your siblings early, so that neither you nor they are rushed into decisions. Make it a point to get together on a call or video chat so that everyone is on the same page as to how your parents are doing and what they might need. When the pressure is lower, so are the flares of temper. When possible, it is better to have a plan than be forced to come up with one.
Most importantly, keep the well-being and desires of your parent front and center. It is easy to “lose the plot” and get sidetracked by family history or disagreements. But ultimately, you are having these discussions for the good of your parent. You will still find that you do not agree on everything, but you can still make progress. Even financial disagreements can be overcome by patiently working toward consensuses for the betterment of life in your parent’s’ latter years.
Finally, conversations with siblings and other family members ought never be done absent an understanding of the desires and wishes of your parent. It is a mistake to assume that even a unified meeting among siblings can set a path forward without also dialoguing with the parent. Indeed, if you approach your parent with a “group consensus,” you will more likely get push-back for ganging up on them, instead of thanks for looking out for their best interests.
Conversations and Conflict with Parents:
Beginning conversations with your parent about their failing health and inability to care for themselves can be uncomfortable. As your parents age, the family dynamic changes, and you may find yourself acting in the role of advisor and guardian, roles once reserved for your parents. At least initially, this role reversal will be uncomfortable both for you and for them.
Some parents will downplay their struggles because they do not want to burden their children or cause them to worry. In this case, the parent is acting like a parent, trying to alleviate your burden. Make it clear that they are not a burden to you, that you want to know how they are doing and if there is any way in which you can help.
Other parents will downplay or dismiss any struggles because they don’t want their children intruding into their private lives. They are accustomed to living without help (especially that of children who have been absent for years or decades), and these conversations may feel meddlesome. Don’t take it personally. Be honest with them, and don’t try to provide a “solution” for a problem they may not or do not have.
And still other parents will dislike and even evade such conversations because they do not want to reckon with the truth about their health or abilities. Just as it affects you to accept that they are getting older, it affects them also. They may find themselves in something like a state of denial. Be patient with them, and do not discount or deny the same grieving process to them. And do not try to rush or force them into something they are adamantly against.
Keep in mind that a conversation is, by definition, a two-way communicative process. Talking with your parent about their health and ability is not the same thing as setting an agenda for them. Remember the old adage, “God gave you two ears and one mouth so that you can listen twice as often as you speak.” To put it another way, don’t discount the things they tell you. You may find that you learn things about your parent in these conversations that surprise you – things that will help your relationship grow. Take a genuine interest in what they say. Make sure that they are aware that you have their best interests in mind.
Remember that though the dynamics of the relationship have shifted over time, your parents are still your parents. That is how they see themselves, and it will go a long way towards peaceful conversations if you still see them and treat them that way as well. Treat them with the honor they deserve.
Aging is hard on the parents, children, and the wider family. Conflict is common, but conversations do not have to lead to conflict. Take the path of humility – both in your interactions with siblings and wider family, as well as with your senior parent. Humility goes a long way to unity and peaceful interactions. Whatever you say, speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), because love “covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).
